Thursday, August 19, 2010

Good Inventions

Because I believe in providing a fair and balanced blog like my friends at Fox News who also believe that their quirky opinions are the final word, I decided to bring to you some of the top inventions in the history of the Universe.

As always, I welcome your opinions, so long as you realize that if they don't exactly match mine, they are flat out wrong.

  1. Time.  I will probably never understand exactly how it works, but I can't really imagine my life without it.   I mean, really. . . the past?  Really cool.  I get to remember it however I want, and I do!  Future?  Again, it's a very fun imaginary friend.  Color it however you like.  Best of all, I've got to admit I really like the present.  What a gift!
  2. Vanilla ice cream.  I consider myself to be a bit of an expert on this.  I have been known to make the very best vanilla ice cream ever, but I've got to say that my good friends Ben and Jerry do a pretty ding dang good job as well.  Sure, there are fancier ice creams, but a really good vanilla is the best.  I know because I I've tried them all. Several of them I've tried several times. 
  3. Baby mammals.  Baby humans are so ding dang cute that they can make you forget they are basically drooling, eat-and-poop machine insomniac noise makers, but they are just not really as cute as puppies or kittens; calves or colts.  And nothing in the Universe can be as aahhhh inspiring as a day old lamb. Those little goobers will just make you forget anything bad that ever entered your brain.
  4. Fun.  Much maligned by Protestants and math teachers, this is a great idea that just couldn't be kept down.  If you've forgotten how it's done, don't go to  television or a comedy club.  Go to a preschool.  Those places are full of fun experts.  If they aren't, they are bad places that don't  deserve to have preschoolers around.
  5. Trees.  Let me just say kudos to the Great Creator for this one.  Seriously one of the best ideas ever.  Fruit, nuts, lumber, shade, homes for lots of animals, beauty, water filters, oxygen producers, swings, treehouses. . . . . What else compares?  Nuttin, honey.
  6. Dreams.  As long as I can remember (see no. 1) I have been entertained nightly by wondrous dreams.  No movie has come close to my dreams - both the day and the night varieties.  I feel sad for people who can't remember their dreams or restrict them only to nightmares. 
  7. Physical properties of water.  Water in general is really cool and probably deserves a number of its own, however water's physical properties - specifically they way it expands when it freezes as opposed to most things, which get smaller when they are cold - is just so convenient for our planet.  If ice burgs sank instead of float, they would hang out at the bottom of the ocean and poof!  There goes the jet stream.  In other words, poof! There would go the whole weather/heat exchange/life thing we've got going. 
  8. Art.  Painting, sculpting, floral arranging, dance, theatre, cooking. . . . music. (pfn) I suppose in my wildest dreams (see no. 6) I could imagine life without it, but how boring it would be. I think the Shakers tried it and look what happened to them.  Which reminds me. . .
  9. Sex.  I mean the human kind, not the amoeba kind.  Sure we have to have some way to reproduce, but it could have easily been through dropping human acorns on the ground or by taking a cutting.  But no, we get to have sex, which (when done correctly) really doesn't compare to anything else.  Actually sex can combine several of the other numbers.  I'll let you decide which. The Shakers didn't like sex - banned it as a matter of fact, and they are almost extinct.  Go figure.  But like all these special, cool things, it is just a crime (literally) to misuse it. 
And the grooviest invention yet?

10.  Life.  This is the original gift that keeps on giving; the one that allows us to experience all of the other coolest inventions.  I suppose it may sound trite or oversimplified - "yeah, man I'm high on life."  But I am high on life.  It's good stuff.  My mind is daily boggled by people wanting to end it for someone else or themselves.  That is the ultimate hollow.  You end life, you end nos. 1 - 9, too.  Bad idea.

So what say you blog readers?  What did I leave out?


  1. My dear lady, vanilla is a flavour that surely fell directly from the wicker basket of the great greek Gods above? Vanilla when enhanced with the delicious taste of full milk fat and chilled to just below freezing point is a divinity I often succumb to.

    Vanilla versus sex however, now that is a conundrum too close to call. Apologies for my tardiness of late.

  2. Hey Fay,

    Sorry I haven't been around a lot. I was in the hosptial for my mental illness. I am o.k. now. I REALLY like this post. I agree with everything, but vanilla ice cream. I am a chocolate girl myself. However, I think the idea is the same. Simple ice cream! I have yet to enjoy sex in the full context, but I have experienced orgasms and they are pretty awesome! And life is beautiful. That's why I was in hospital because I didn't feel I could trust myself. They always ask that when I go to ER to get taken care of. Do I feel safe to go. Not safe from someone else, although I do imagine they ask other people that. What they mean is safe from myself. I LOVE life so when my illness takes over and wants me to end it, I always seek help! Thanks for this interesting list.

    Hugs with blessings,