Hammer on the Thumb Clinic - Give Me a Break

I've a great idea and I think Medicaid and Medicare should start paying for this immediately.  I'm going to open a new series of clinics to treat a number of problems.

The first, and possibly most overdue, is the Hammer on the Thumb Clinic.  For a tidy sum, you can be admitted to my new clinic for the treatment of bad knees.  Over the course of a couple of weeks, specially trained (I'm opening a training center soon) therapists will come into your designer decorated room and smash your thumbs (alternatively) with a hammer.  You'll soon forget about your knee pain all together. 

Headaches troubling you?  Check into one of my new SPUTH Clinics.  Stomach Punch for the Treatment of Headache is an idea whose time has come.  I know.  The last time someone punched me square in my gizzard I stopped complaining about headache the second I stopped puking.  I think it will work for you, too!

And finally, my piece de resistance will be ViCTA! (Valium Clinic for the Treatment of Alcoholism)   I must admit that this isn't a new idea.   Back in the day, alcoholism was often treated as a Valium deficiency.  Then the whole addiction "theory" came into being and it fell out of fashion.  But I'm thinking with Methadone clinics being used to treat Heroin addiction, the time has come to bring it back.

I mean if we can treat one opiate addiction with another addictive opiate (Heroin with Methadone) surely I could make a gazillion dollars in my Valium Clinics for the Treatment of Alcoholism, don't you think?

I'm thinking about opening some sort of treatment clinic for broken thumbs, too.  After all, I have my retirement to think about.