Sunday, March 20, 2011

Ant Meth

I've spoken with the bug men from the local university and have been told that I need to feed my unwanted ants more of the bait they like best.  I'd stopped doing that because when I put it out the ants brought their ant aunts and uncles and 17th cousins twice removed and I didn't really want to see more ants.  But now I understand that this works like a meth house. 

I offer them the poison.  They like it.  A lot.  They get all crazy and run home and tell their friends along the way, "You have got to get down there and try this stuff!  It's insane, Ant!  I mean, it's the best."  So all their friends and the friends of the friends of the friends come to the buffet.  They think it's the best stuff since sugar.  They load up on it.

Most of them grab all they can and then run home to stash it and run back and get more.  Some of them, however, only get as far as the front yard of the ant meth house and fall down crazy.

I don't have microscope, so I don't know if their little ant teeth turn black and rot out or if they visually age the equivalent of 30 years in the equivalent of  a couple of months.  But if this is really working like meth, that's how they look.  And I don't know if their ant IQs plummet and they forget to shower or completely dress.  I really don't know if they have started killing each other for the poison or if they've begun selling their larva to the highest bidder to get more poison.  I hope not.

Don't get me wrong, I am trying to get rid of the ants.  I just hope it isn't as awful for them as methamphetamine is while it's getting rid of people.


  1. I'm a ant hater so I say let their teeth rot and let them forget to bathe. Better yet, let them die. They are awful and nasty and I never experienced them in my life till I moved to SC. Every spring! Ugh!!! Good hearing from you. Hope all is well.

  2. Your analogy is awesome! I've suffered creepy-crawlies at the hands, er, tentacles of ants to feel little remorse in their demise. I understand they are only behaving as God created them to, but the same is true of scorpions and I squash them without a blink. I am, of course, also only behaving as God created me. So its all good. :)

  3. interesting studies, have fun..


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