Wednesday, October 28, 2009


They are breasts. You may call them pink-nosed puppies, hooters, melons, ta-tas, boobs, titties, honkers, headlights, racks, bazooms, or naughty pillows; but they are actually breasts. They are a parts of a body, just as arms or feet. With very few exceptions, everybody's gone a couple.

Women's breasts are cooler then men's though, because they can feed babies - an amazing, wondrous thing. Just think about that for a little minute. A woman has a baby and her breasts manufacture the exact food her baby needs. Perfect. I could go on and on about women in this country who believe they can't breast feed because their milk "isn't rich enough" or they "don't have enough milk," but that will be a different post a different time. Suffice it to say that for thousands of years no one had that trouble and it's not a problem in most of the world now. My sister's OB-Gyn actually told her that if she "Didn't want them to look used, don't use them." Obviously a man. Obviously misguided. But I digress.

Over 355,000 American women had breast implants last year. I've got to say, this is about the silliest thing I can think of right now. We aren't allowed to show them off in public without being considered lewd, but we will spend lots of money, time and pain to get something artificial put into our bodies involving general anesthesia and cutting to make them look good. Excuse me? Now I'm not talking about people who get breast reductions to save their backs or who want reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy. I'm talking about vanity that causes women to undergo the knife to have bigger or perkier breasts. I can't quite get my mind around it.

It's not only surgery but bras that bother me. Invented by crazy men! They are uncomfortable at best, and I can't figure out why they are necessary. If breasts are all that important visually, why do we have to cover them up at all?

Now and then I see an article about a woman feeding her baby in public and getting flack for it and I consider becoming a violent person. What the heck? You can go to any beach and see more breasts "covered" by bikini tops than you can when a woman is feeding a baby. And who cares anyway? It makes much more sense to be offended by a woman feeding a baby expensive, inferior baby formula from a bottle.

We are just now getting to the place where we can talk openly about breast cancer, getting mammograms, doing self breast exams, etc. What is wrong with our culture that we can't deal with breasts. They are just breasts, for crying in a bucket! They aren't going to jump out and bite you. They aren't going to damn you to everlasting hellfire. They are beautiful, functional, and sensitive, but they don't perform magic.

Apparently for many people, breasts are funny if they are "too big" or "too small." I'm not sure why. Forbidden fruit, maybe? What if next Tuesday all American women decided not to wear bras? Would it bring about the end of the world? Would preachers preach? What if next July 1, all beach and swimming pool attending American women failed to put on the tops of their bathing suits. Would prosecutors prosecute?

I imagine that everyone would get over it very quickly. Well, except plastic surgeons and bra sellers. If we stopped treating them like ta-tas, perhaps they'd become simply breasts. I think this is worthy of a try.


  1. Seriously... they're just glands after all; perhaps there's some psychological issue behind this 'gland obsession'.

    Anyhow... all that crazyness about it is just hilarious.

  2. I am well, Leon! Thanks for reading.

  3. Well Fay, I KNOW it's a "man" thing...but I don't agree. They may just be breasts to a woman, but women's breasts are much more than that to a man. And most men like it that way. What if men (in the warmer climes of course) decided to leave their trousers at home, and go gorilla?

    Breast feeding: I'm sure it's jealousy, but I perfer not to see a baby being breast fed in public. Again, to a man, a woman's breast is much more than an organ of sustenance.

    And, finally...augmentation: I agree that woman who are "normally" endowed should not upset the melon cart (sorry, I couldn't help that). But those who feel self conscience about their appearance should feel free to do something about it, if they so wish. As a matter of fact, I'm a firm believer in owners rights when it comes to a persons' body, so long as that person is not attempting to intentionally harm themselves as a result of lack of mental capacity. Know what I mean?

    I know I'm old fashioned about such things, but that's just me. On the other hand, I applaud the openess of breast disease awareness, and such.


  4. Terry, Terry, Terry. . . . oh, Terry.
    Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I celebrate your right to be wrong.
    I think it's a sad thing that a woman with small breasts would ever feel self conscious about it to the extent that she'd undergo the knife to change it. We need to get rid of the idea that to be beautiful, breasts need to be a certain size or shape. Or that people need to be a certain size, shape, color, etc. for that matter.
    And Darlin, if you don't like seeing babies eat in public, you must just learn to avert your eyes at the appropriate moment.
    As for people going neked - as long as they wear sunscreen I think that's fine. Nude beaches are fine with me although I think one would want to be careful about sand.
    What would flashers do if people started being clothing-free, I wonder?
    Thanks again for reading and taking the time to comment.