Boobs

Yesterday I had an email conversation with my supervisor who was two doors away. 

"I have been informed that you are not wearing a bra today.  If staff notice, clients will notice.  I need you to go  home and put one on."

"Actually, I have one on.  Please tell whomever that I'm sorry my breasts are offensive."

"I'm sorry.  If I hear any more complaints I'll tell them they are mistaken."

Later I flashed a bit embarrassed supervisor a bit of bra strap.  She said she thought someone must have been looking too hard.  I want to be clear that I don't blame my supervisor.  Someone put her in a silly situation when I'm sure she had more important things to do.

Very often I don't wear a bra.  I just hate them.  Who came up with the idea that women must corral, cage, bind their breasts?  What is this breast obsession?  Usually, I figure if someone is offended by the sight of my possibly cage-free breast though a shirt they should just look elsewhere.  It's really not my problem that they have nothing better to think about and unless they have an appointment, I can't treat their neurosis.

Grown men call them boobies, pink-nosed puppies, headlights, racks, knockers, melons, titties.  Adults actually giggle about a little jiggle.  Careers are made and broken over breasts.  I don't get it.  Television shows critique famous women on the appearance of their breasts in bikinis.  Movies are deemed unfit for young people to see if a breast is flashed and so surgically enhanced breasts are flashed in movies to make them seem  "adult."

AND I'm told to go home and put on a bra.

I fed two babies and donated a lot of milk for babies who needed it and I was never ashamed or hesitant to do so. However, I've known lots of people who hide when they nurse their babies.  But heck, everyone feels perfectly ok about sticking an artificial breast holding artificial milk in a baby's mouth in public.  Huh?  Tell me that makes sense.

They are just breasts, for crying in a bucket.  It is very unlikely that they are going to sneak up and bite someone.  They aren't venomous.  They don't make funny faces to make people laugh and they can't hypnotize.  They aren't satanic or evil in any way. They are breasts.  More than likely you've got a couple, I've got a couple. 

I also have elbows.  I brazenly expose them in public.  Sometimes I gently poke people with them in an ever so suggestive manner.  Don't you think they're cute?  I don't wear elbow pads.  I'm a naughty, naughty girl!

Melons are fruit, headlights are on cars, knockers are for doors and if you giggle about breasts you are a boob.

Breasts

They are breasts. You may call them pink-nosed puppies, hooters, melons, ta-tas, boobs, titties, honkers, headlights, racks, bazooms, or naughty pillows; but they are actually breasts. They are a parts of a body, just as arms or feet. With very few exceptions, everybody's gone a couple.

Women's breasts are cooler then men's though, because they can feed babies - an amazing, wondrous thing. Just think about that for a little minute. A woman has a baby and her breasts manufacture the exact food her baby needs. Perfect. I could go on and on about women in this country who believe they can't breast feed because their milk "isn't rich enough" or they "don't have enough milk," but that will be a different post a different time. Suffice it to say that for thousands of years no one had that trouble and it's not a problem in most of the world now. My sister's OB-Gyn actually told her that if she "Didn't want them to look used, don't use them." Obviously a man. Obviously misguided. But I digress.

Over 355,000 American women had breast implants last year. I've got to say, this is about the silliest thing I can think of right now. We aren't allowed to show them off in public without being considered lewd, but we will spend lots of money, time and pain to get something artificial put into our bodies involving general anesthesia and cutting to make them look good. Excuse me? Now I'm not talking about people who get breast reductions to save their backs or who want reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy. I'm talking about vanity that causes women to undergo the knife to have bigger or perkier breasts. I can't quite get my mind around it.

It's not only surgery but bras that bother me. Invented by crazy men! They are uncomfortable at best, and I can't figure out why they are necessary. If breasts are all that important visually, why do we have to cover them up at all?

Now and then I see an article about a woman feeding her baby in public and getting flack for it and I consider becoming a violent person. What the heck? You can go to any beach and see more breasts "covered" by bikini tops than you can when a woman is feeding a baby. And who cares anyway? It makes much more sense to be offended by a woman feeding a baby expensive, inferior baby formula from a bottle.

We are just now getting to the place where we can talk openly about breast cancer, getting mammograms, doing self breast exams, etc. What is wrong with our culture that we can't deal with breasts. They are just breasts, for crying in a bucket! They aren't going to jump out and bite you. They aren't going to damn you to everlasting hellfire. They are beautiful, functional, and sensitive, but they don't perform magic.

Apparently for many people, breasts are funny if they are "too big" or "too small." I'm not sure why. Forbidden fruit, maybe? What if next Tuesday all American women decided not to wear bras? Would it bring about the end of the world? Would preachers preach? What if next July 1, all beach and swimming pool attending American women failed to put on the tops of their bathing suits. Would prosecutors prosecute?

I imagine that everyone would get over it very quickly. Well, except plastic surgeons and bra sellers. If we stopped treating them like ta-tas, perhaps they'd become simply breasts. I think this is worthy of a try.