Breasts

They are breasts. You may call them pink-nosed puppies, hooters, melons, ta-tas, boobs, titties, honkers, headlights, racks, bazooms, or naughty pillows; but they are actually breasts. They are a parts of a body, just as arms or feet. With very few exceptions, everybody's gone a couple.

Women's breasts are cooler then men's though, because they can feed babies - an amazing, wondrous thing. Just think about that for a little minute. A woman has a baby and her breasts manufacture the exact food her baby needs. Perfect. I could go on and on about women in this country who believe they can't breast feed because their milk "isn't rich enough" or they "don't have enough milk," but that will be a different post a different time. Suffice it to say that for thousands of years no one had that trouble and it's not a problem in most of the world now. My sister's OB-Gyn actually told her that if she "Didn't want them to look used, don't use them." Obviously a man. Obviously misguided. But I digress.

Over 355,000 American women had breast implants last year. I've got to say, this is about the silliest thing I can think of right now. We aren't allowed to show them off in public without being considered lewd, but we will spend lots of money, time and pain to get something artificial put into our bodies involving general anesthesia and cutting to make them look good. Excuse me? Now I'm not talking about people who get breast reductions to save their backs or who want reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy. I'm talking about vanity that causes women to undergo the knife to have bigger or perkier breasts. I can't quite get my mind around it.

It's not only surgery but bras that bother me. Invented by crazy men! They are uncomfortable at best, and I can't figure out why they are necessary. If breasts are all that important visually, why do we have to cover them up at all?

Now and then I see an article about a woman feeding her baby in public and getting flack for it and I consider becoming a violent person. What the heck? You can go to any beach and see more breasts "covered" by bikini tops than you can when a woman is feeding a baby. And who cares anyway? It makes much more sense to be offended by a woman feeding a baby expensive, inferior baby formula from a bottle.

We are just now getting to the place where we can talk openly about breast cancer, getting mammograms, doing self breast exams, etc. What is wrong with our culture that we can't deal with breasts. They are just breasts, for crying in a bucket! They aren't going to jump out and bite you. They aren't going to damn you to everlasting hellfire. They are beautiful, functional, and sensitive, but they don't perform magic.

Apparently for many people, breasts are funny if they are "too big" or "too small." I'm not sure why. Forbidden fruit, maybe? What if next Tuesday all American women decided not to wear bras? Would it bring about the end of the world? Would preachers preach? What if next July 1, all beach and swimming pool attending American women failed to put on the tops of their bathing suits. Would prosecutors prosecute?

I imagine that everyone would get over it very quickly. Well, except plastic surgeons and bra sellers. If we stopped treating them like ta-tas, perhaps they'd become simply breasts. I think this is worthy of a try.