Please (pleadings from the nearly overwhelmed)

A meteor came within 7,500 miles of the Atlantic Ocean today. It takes way more frequent flier miles than that to get anywhere for free. I think I felt the whoosh mess up my hair.

But I know!. . . . Let's close down the space shuttle program.  A damn waste of money if you ask me.  I mean, we could be buying lots and and lots of bombs for the cost of one space mission.  And Lord knows it's more fun to blow up our neighbors than to save the Earth from a cosmic collision that could easily reduce all of us to the equivalent of dinosaur bones in some future-world museum.

Seriously, I'm pulling out my hair here!  Bump, my grandbaby, is about to make his grand entrance and I'm afraid he may be getting here late.  We need his brilliance to help us out of this mess, but give the boy a break.  He isn't even 0 years old  yet!

A big tree from my front yard gave it's life falling in exactly the only space it possibly could have landed in order to do the least amount of damage.  It clipped the corner of our garage.  Some damage there.  But it also landed on my husband's new car.  However, when he moved his car the tree held the limb up so that the car was only actually hit by leaves.  No damage.  A very kind tree's dieing gestured.  I loved that tree.

(By the way, those commercials where the insurance adjuster is there holding your hand while the storm is still blowing . . . . yeah, well in our case that was a whole lot of blowing!  We finally got a voice mail saying, "Your agent will be in the office on Monday morning."  Yeah, well the tree fell Friday afternoon.  Thanks.  I don't feel your good hands at all.  But that's another blog.)

So evidently the insurance God says we can hire someone to cut up the tree, but that person can only schlepp the tree to the dump.  He can't sell it to people who need it to heat their homes this winter.  And the tree cutter guy as  sure as heck fire isn't going to give it away. This is immoral.  Why do the insurance companies care?  Can you convince me that they are making so little money that they have to control things like that?  If I could split wood, I'd do it myself and give it away.

The problem with this culture is that it's totally insane.  We've been so conditioned to believe that politicians doing business by making deals is the way it must be done. The common citizen is just too stupid to understand politics.  We've been led to believe that making money makes the world go round.  That there is NOTHING that money can't solve.

Well excuse me and kiss my plump white derriere, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee picked by peasants in some far-off country you don't have to think about.  Just try to remember what you learned in Sunday school.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

It's not all that complicated.  When it comes to greed, just stop.  Let all of us who have some glimmer of morality left in us, all stop at once.  I'll have the tree-cutting guy cut up the grand tree and leave  it here.  I'll find something to do with it, even if it is to let it become homes for the little beings in the back yard.

Let's all go out on the limb (pardon that obvious pun) together.  Let's just have some increasingly uncommon common sense.  Let's don't waste.  Let's don't buy plastic bottles of water when we could just filter water and save a gazillion plastic bottles.  Let's all grow as much of our own food as possible.  Why should the average American meal travel 1,500 miles to get to our table when much of the world would love to have just our leftovers? 

Until we can switch to non-fossil fueled cars, let's all fill our tires to the pressure they are supposed to be filled and avoid jack rabbit starts.  Maybe car pool or take the bus or the train. 

Let's turn that thermostat to 76 or higher in the summer and 70 or lower in the winter.  Let's insulate.  Let's all water our gardens, if not flush our toilets, with water from rainbarrels.  Let's just stop acting crazy.

Please. I'm sincerely asking you, please.

Something to Offend Everyone

Yay!  It's show and tell time in America's politics.  Between the debating and the sexting, I'm not sure which disgusts me more.  I just have a few questions. 

First of all, if you dump a man in an eight year old pile of manure and he digs out of four years worth in  three years, how can you blame him for not getting rid of the whole pile? Is it possible to campaign without focusing on trashing ones opponent?

How will deepening the chasm between the haves and have-nots improve America?  Will decreasing taxes for the wealthy really create jobs?  How does that work again?  And what about making sure that only the haves get health care?  Just exactly how does that keep America great?  And what about the commercials that talk about how increasing taxes on fossil fuel will just devastate the economy?  Huh?

And guess what?  I have some answers.

It seems to me that anything that pushes us to use sustainable energy is a good idea.  Let's give companies that create clean, renewable energy a tax break.  Let's stop pretending that blowing the tops off mountains for coal and forcing chemicals into the planet to squeeze out some natural gas are good ideas.  Any second grader can tell you that they're horrible ideas.

A country full of healthy people is always stronger than a country two-thirds full of healthy people.  That's just common sense.  So let's make health care for everyone a priority. 

And instead of pretending that we are the world's police force and that we know best how other cultures should run their countries, why don't we bring our well-trained military home and put them to work here.  We've got plenty for them to do.  Our bridges are falling down.  Our roads, electricity grid, and sewage systems need lots of fixing. We have hurricanes, we have tornadoes, floods, and earthquakes.  We could send some Navy Seals into crime-ridden urban neighborhoods and get rid of gangs that poison lives.  Put some U.S. Army drill sergeants in charge of physical education in our public schools and we'd not have to worry about childhood obesity. 

The way I see it, if we stopped spending gazillions of dollars and the lives of our troops on blowing up countries and then paying to rebuild them, we could just have our troops rebuild our country.  It would be much less dangerous for them and much less expensive.  We could still have the best military defense in the world without having the biggest, most costly offense in the world. 

If we want to save money on Social Security, let's start by finding the people who get disability income who actually just don't know how or don't want to work.  There's another job for our military.  Let them investigate that.  I don't think someone should get their "gubment check" just cause their daddy  did.  Those scammers make me especially crazy when I learn of someone who really can't work, but can't seem to get disability income.

And why pay to jail non-violent criminals?  Whom does it help when we put deadbeat dads in jail?  Make the suckers work!  They should be picking up garbage and recycling or patching pot holes or detassling seed corn with the money going to their children and paying their way, while they live in dorms that need few guards.

Speaking of non-violent criminals, have you ever thought that the only reason organized crime is into drugs is because drugs are criminal?  If we spent money on detox and treatment instead of prison, I think our money would be better spent.  Let's save incarceration for the really nasty people.  God knows there are enough of them.  Of course if they burglarize or mug to buy drugs, then they are nasty criminals who need to be incarcerated.

And while we're on the topic of drugs, I'm subject to random drug tests at work.  That makes sense to me.  I think everyone should be.  Including people who collect any sort of income that comes from tax dollars.  If you are spending your disability or SSI check (aka my tax dollars) on drugs, I think your check should be immediately stopped.  Talk about savings!

The way it is now, if someone has been in prison for 10 years or more, they are probably broken when they are released regardless of what they were incarcerated for.  If we worried less about making the experience miserable and more about kicking their behinds to learn how to live on the outside, perhaps we'd have fewer offenders.  That would save a bundle and leave room in the nasty prisons for people who are truly wicked.

I think our government has a lot to do.  Why on earth do they waste time on worrying about who marries whom or someone smoking an occasional joint or even the sexual escapades of politicians?  If my plumber does a good job on Monday and leaves my house better than it was, I'll happily pay her and hire her again when I  need her, even if she if she gets stupid and smokes pot and sexts strangers on Saturday.  But these days finding a good, honest plumber or politician is getting more rare than hen's teeth.

Cider

A recent trip to England led me to write this socio-culturally significant piece.


Cider

Oh, pour me another pint of cider
Sweet elixer of the tree
God knows there's nothing wrong with apples
And cider's very good for me.

Oh, pour me another pint of cider
Shining, warming liquid gold
Happy, hardy rounds of laughter
Ring with every story told.

Oh, pour me another pint of cider
Wholesome sunshine in a glass
Don't dare say I've had too many
Until I fall down on my ass.
An

Cider, tea, and communion wine

I recently returned from a trip of a lifetime to England.  I didn't hang out in London at all.  Instead I spent nine days inspecting very rural southwestern England.  The real England I'd like to think.

I experienced places of worship from pre-Druid through new Druid.  I lit candles in some incredible cathedrals, wandered around 900 year old country churches, marveled at Stonehenge and Avebury Circle, meditated at the Temple of the Goddess, and read some Gospel at John Wesley's pulpit. And though technically not places of worship, I experienced more than a couple of tea rooms and a pub or two.  And while you probably think those places didn't have much in common, I reckon they really do.

People like to congregate.  The ancient Druids liked getting together at the huge, wondrous stone circles at certain times of the year.  They drummed and danced, probably.  The cemeteries at the old stone churches tell the story of generations of congregants who met there to sing and pray.  The magnificent cathedrals with their elaborate carvings, acoustics and grand scale continue to provide places for people to perform grand ceremonies. And in Glastonbury, the Temple of the Goddess provides a place for people to gather and perform brand new ancient rituals. 

You might think that the pubs are about cider and the tea rooms about tea and scones.  But let's face it, you can drink cider and tea at home.  Those places, too, are about congregating and rituals.  All these places are about community getting together to wonder at miracles. 

Surely the ancient people who somehow put Stonehenge together were in awe of the miracle of the celestial cycles.  And people who visit Stonehenge are in awe of the mystery of how it was built.  People lighting candles in the grandeur of the cathedrals wonder at the peace and grace they feel. Women in the Temple of the Goddess perform Blessing Ways for infants, marvelling at the miracle of new life.  And the boys down at The Royal Oak lift their pints and laugh and wonder about the glue that holds people from all walks of life together, seemingly making psychotherapy obsolete.

We could argue all day long about the correct place and method to worship.  But if we're going to do it, let's all agree on a place and time and bring a dish to pass and a jug of cider to share. Maybe while we're there we can take time to stand in awe and gratitude for the miracle of the oak trees growing from acorns and then all our debating won't have been in vain.

Hammer on the Thumb Clinic - Give Me a Break

I've a great idea and I think Medicaid and Medicare should start paying for this immediately.  I'm going to open a new series of clinics to treat a number of problems.

The first, and possibly most overdue, is the Hammer on the Thumb Clinic.  For a tidy sum, you can be admitted to my new clinic for the treatment of bad knees.  Over the course of a couple of weeks, specially trained (I'm opening a training center soon) therapists will come into your designer decorated room and smash your thumbs (alternatively) with a hammer.  You'll soon forget about your knee pain all together. 

Headaches troubling you?  Check into one of my new SPUTH Clinics.  Stomach Punch for the Treatment of Headache is an idea whose time has come.  I know.  The last time someone punched me square in my gizzard I stopped complaining about headache the second I stopped puking.  I think it will work for you, too!

And finally, my piece de resistance will be ViCTA! (Valium Clinic for the Treatment of Alcoholism)   I must admit that this isn't a new idea.   Back in the day, alcoholism was often treated as a Valium deficiency.  Then the whole addiction "theory" came into being and it fell out of fashion.  But I'm thinking with Methadone clinics being used to treat Heroin addiction, the time has come to bring it back.

I mean if we can treat one opiate addiction with another addictive opiate (Heroin with Methadone) surely I could make a gazillion dollars in my Valium Clinics for the Treatment of Alcoholism, don't you think?

I'm thinking about opening some sort of treatment clinic for broken thumbs, too.  After all, I have my retirement to think about.

Ant Meth

I've spoken with the bug men from the local university and have been told that I need to feed my unwanted ants more of the bait they like best.  I'd stopped doing that because when I put it out the ants brought their ant aunts and uncles and 17th cousins twice removed and I didn't really want to see more ants.  But now I understand that this works like a meth house. 

I offer them the poison.  They like it.  A lot.  They get all crazy and run home and tell their friends along the way, "You have got to get down there and try this stuff!  It's insane, Ant!  I mean, it's the best."  So all their friends and the friends of the friends of the friends come to the buffet.  They think it's the best stuff since sugar.  They load up on it.

Most of them grab all they can and then run home to stash it and run back and get more.  Some of them, however, only get as far as the front yard of the ant meth house and fall down crazy.

I don't have microscope, so I don't know if their little ant teeth turn black and rot out or if they visually age the equivalent of 30 years in the equivalent of  a couple of months.  But if this is really working like meth, that's how they look.  And I don't know if their ant IQs plummet and they forget to shower or completely dress.  I really don't know if they have started killing each other for the poison or if they've begun selling their larva to the highest bidder to get more poison.  I hope not.

Don't get me wrong, I am trying to get rid of the ants.  I just hope it isn't as awful for them as methamphetamine is while it's getting rid of people.

Kitchen Drawl

I'm not ready to start flying the Confederate flag or anything, but after living in the South for seven years, I believe my kitchen is acquiring  a drawl.

Recently a friend from work gave me a big mess of collards.  My husband, a Canadian, pretends they don't exist.  More for me, I say! I cooked those green babies with a bit of bacon, some onions, garlic and olive oil.  When they began to get just a bit crispy around the edges of some of the leaves, I added some chicken stock so they'd steam nice and soft.  I was in hog heaven!

And grits.  It was quite a few years before I discovered this emotional experience.  The trick with grits is that you melt in Velveeta.  I know Velveeta isn't real cheese.  I'm from Wisconsin after all.  But when it comes to grits, it's gotta be Velveeta.  Grits don't claim to be health food.  But they are proudly comfort food.

Sweet tea is not the same thing as sweetened iced tea in the North.  Sweet tea is tea mixed with simple syrup.  It's sswwweeeeeet and cold.  If you order tea down here, don't expect a cup of Earl Gray.   I don't drink sweet tea, but it's not because I don't want to.  I've been know to mix a quarter glass of sweet tea with three quarters unsweetened tea. 

I still maintain some Northern sensibilities.  Even a girl who grew up eating head cheese and blood sausage isn't going to eat chitterlings (chittlins).  They are pig guts and just wrong.  If you ever hear I've eaten them, please come and do a Yankee intervention immediately.

Now let me explain that the Southern way to cook collards or any greens isn't really much like my way.  Have you heard of fat back?  It's the uber bacon.  If you like bacon - and you know you do - fat back would make your toes curl up in sheer joy.  It's more fat and more salt than bacon.  It's to die for . . . literally, I'm afraid.

So I heard on the news last night that in addition to the Bible Belt, the South is also now the Diabetes Belt.  Is it any wonder?  When I tell people down here about Northern Wisconsin fish boils their eyes glaze over with pity just before they offer me a fried chicken biscuit with gravy.